I hate this part of me where I'm being...

Demanding.

Inconsiderate.

Selfish.

Whiny.

Doubtful.

Lifeless.

Sometimes, I just feel like that when I look at how I behave, how I talk, how I see things...I can see all those qualities in me. Problem is, the "sometimes" is just too much, that it gets repetitive. And then I'll go "Oh my, I'm repeating this same old thing again..." and then I'll stop, and before long the whole procedure is gonna be repeated...again. I wonder if somebody set them on repeat mode. Then again, I think that somebody must have been me all along.

I've tried to control myself: whenever I feel like that, I pretend that I'm fine and keep whatever feelings I have in me to myself. Result? I feel worse, as though my heart is filled with mercury, slowly poisoned by self-pity and emo-ness and there's a heavy feeling that makes you very uncomfortable. Right. Another approach that I've taken, or rather, still taking, is that I pour out my emotions to someone close, everything. Result? Oh yes, I feel much better,  but then what comes next is the feeling of guilt, that I've troubled that someone with all my whiny nonsense and problems that appear to be big but are actually small petty matters easily handled with a clear, calm mind. It's like a love-hate thing; you don't want to trouble others yet you want them to listen to you, comfort you and set your world right again with just simple words of advice and encouragement.

Sigh, I don't know. I thought I've lost these unpleasant moments of emo-ness for good a long time ago, but somehow, they came back. Wonder why...maybe it's just me, since I like to think a lot and just make things worse with all that unnecessary thinking. Hmm.

Oh well, I shall /endrant with this song, My Immortal by Evanescence. Not that the lyrics describe my situation or how I feel now, but the melody does that.   

Restless.

The night's quiet and peaceful, yet I can't help feeling somewhat restless inside. Maybe it's because the night is void of lively activities to keep the mind away from slipping into boredom and loneliness. What is there to do? There's studies for finals, listening to music, watching videos, gaming, reading, chatting...but hmm, all those don't seem to be able to subdue the restlessness. I've been studying almost the whole day (ineffective revision though heh <.<), listening to some favourite songs with repeat mode on, watching Tangled the movie and crying at parts that touched my heart, gaming with a friend on LoL only for an AI game...but all that could only do that much to keep me entertained temporarily. Don't feel like picking up a book to read for now, nor doing any writing. Chatting does wonders, except the person I want to chat with isn't around. : /

Sigh, maybe I should just wish the world goodnight now.

*wishes a silent goodnight*

I wish.

The longings, the pain.

The heavy feelings inside.

Sometimes in life, you just wish that things could be simpler. You just wish that whatever you wish for would happen for real, right now. But life isn't a fairytale or a fantasy world where magical things happen; you don't simply get what you wish for. You have to either work hard to make that wish come true, or just continue wishing for all you care. That's reality; that's life.

Yet...

I wish.

I just wish.

I keep wishing...

...because it helps me pass the time. It allows me to think of the things I want to do, all the pleasant stuff, the nice moments, which could turn into great memories to be cherished later. I want to work to make it come true, but circumstances do not allow me to do so...for now. All I could do now is to wish and wait.

Wish and wait...

...and wish and wait.

And wait, I will. I will wait.

Just feeling like writing part of whatever that's inside me here, to express how I feel a bit. But I know it takes time for that heavy feelings to move on..

A-Z Questions: Me

Happened to go through a friend's Note on FB, and felt like doing the same thing as well, answering these questions. Except I prefer doing them here then on FB, since my FB Notes are solely for creative (but not exactly creative) writing purposes. Heh. 

~~~

A – Accidents

01. Have you ever been in a car accident?  

No.

02. Do you have a lot of scars?

Not really, just a few from bicycle accidents.

03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone?

If you consider hitting my younger brother as a fist fight, then yes I suppose. Other than that, no.

04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake?  

Not sure, can't remember if I did.

05. Have you ever had stitches? Where?  

No.

B – Beauty

06. Do you consider yourself beautiful?  

No.

07. Are you self conscious of how you look?  

Somewhat, but only when I'm bored.

08. Do you put on a lot of makeup?

I don't use makeup for the time being.

09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery?  

Never.

10. What do you think makes a person beautiful?

The goods I see in the person's true personality.

C – Consequences

11. What was the longest amount of time you’ve been grounded for?  

Being grounded's never in my dictionary.

12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion?  

o.o If it comes to that, I'll keep it for sure.

13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people?

Most of the time. But sometimes I tend to forget and...hmm.

14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you?  

Having this guilty feeling of the mistakes I did.

15. What is one thing you wish you didn’t do, just because it wasn’t worth it in the end?

Being all emo and worrisome for nothing.

D – Dealing

16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them?  

Depends. I get into a short debate with family members then calm myself down by keeping quiet. Sometimes, I can get angry to the point of crying. If it's friends, I don't usually show it outright; more of grumbling and writing my feelings furiously in my diary.

17. Name a time when you had to be strong.  

The feeling of being absolutely helpless yet having to continue life as it is.

18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? Any kind of abuse at home?  

Parents fighting yes. But that was a very long time ago...let bygones be bygones.

19. When people at school don’t accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react?  

I usually try to find out the reason so that I can improve myself from there, but these days, it doesn't matter anymore.

20. Have you ever lost someone to death? Explain how you got through it.  

Yes, and I think most people do. Felt sad and sort of regretted not being able to talk to her more, but hmm, it's already over anyway.  

E – Experience

21. Have you ever had a job? Any volunteer jobs?  

Had a part-time job though. Nope.

22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all?  

Not at all.

23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far?  

I would say life's been okay, not exactly easy yet not really difficult.  

24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)?  

I don't think so.

25. How old do you act?  

Erm, depends on my mood I suppose. I can be all mature when I see fit, or just acting childish and plain crazy.

F – Family

26. Is there anyone in your family you don’t talk to? Why?

Nope. Unless you consider my extended family...

27. If you had to choose, family or friends?

Family comes first.

28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything?  

I discuss my obvious problems with them, but when it comes to emotions...no.

29. Do you have any siblings? If so, do you ever get jealous of them?

Yes. Nope.

30. How often do you spend ‘quality time’ with family members?

As often as I can, when the time feels right and everyone isn't busy with their own work.

G – Growing

31. How tall are you? How tall do you wish you were?  

Roughly 157cm. Nah, I think my height's fine.

32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that?  

I don't even care? o.o

33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish?  

Mature when need be, childish when the time feels right.

34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50?  

I don't think about that anyway. Lol.

35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn?

Yes, like, YES.

H – Hope

36. Love – real or not?

Real. You can't see it, but you can feel it, as quoted from the movie "A Walk to Remember".

37. Are you a pessimist or an optimist?

I'd like to think that I'm an optimist though. 

38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way?

Our actions lead the way most of the time, although I do believe that there are certain things in life that are not under our control. Err...half-half I suppose?

39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive?  

Yes.

40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying?  

I don't know. Usually, something would come up and give me just enough motivation to continue.

I – Issues

41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness?

I get sad and lonely sometimes.

42. Do you have any type of disease or disability?

Nope.

43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex?

No. 

44. Do you think that you are alone in this world?

I may think of myself as a loner, but no, I'm not alone in this world.

45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away?

Seldom. Even if I do think of them, my thoughts usually get side-tracked onto something else.

J – Jokes

46. Say a word or phrase that would not be funny to anyone but you & one of your friends (an inside joke)

Can't think of one right now. What..."Teemo's passive is Global Taunt"? o.o

47. Are you usually the one who makes people laugh,Or the other way around?

The other way round, since I prefer entertaining others with my laughter.

48. Do you cry when you laugh hard?  

Depends on what I'm laughing about heh... 

49. Write down a hilarious moment you had with someone that makes you laugh to this day!  

Ahaha, a lot I guess. I can't decide one to write down...maybe I shall leave this out bleh~

50. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class?

That was during my primary school years, lol. 

K – Knowledge

51. The purpose of school: to learn, to cause trouble or to hang out with friends?  

To learn, except I don't know if I'm really learning.

52. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average?  

Some say smart, but I'd like to think of myself as average. Or maybe dumb. I don't know.

53. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark) ever?  

A+

54. What was your last average? This year would you like to maintain it or aim higher?  

My recent semester's CGPA you mean? Hmm, 3.2. I would like to get higher than that of course but...

55. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)?

Emotions-based topics.

L – Love

56. Are you currently in love? If not, have you been before?

Nope.

57. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)?  

Not really.

58. Is love worth it?  

I think it's worth it.

59. Do you hate it when young teenagers say they ‘love’ someone that they’ve been dating for a few months?  

Huh, why the hate? I'd like to think that it's sweet though...if they really mean it of course.

60. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word?

It takes courage to say that for me, but I guess when you are in love, love itself gives you more than just courage to express yourself.

M – Money

61. Do you believe that money makes the world go round?

I don't know...

62. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money?

Poor.

63. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to?  

Nope. I don't have the privilege to save up anyway...

64. Would you rather win millions of dollars & be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry & start a family with?

Find the perfect person to marry and start a family with would be nice. 

65. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you?  

7.

N – Naughty

66. Are you a virgin?

Yes.

67. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you’re not going out with?

Erk wut? I don't do this.

68. Do you know anybody you consider a ’slut’? What makes you say that?  

I don't know, and I don't care anyway.

69. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more?

I don't know.

70. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? You can’t say both!

I'm nice...I think.

O – Openness

71. How long does it take for you to open up to someone?  

Depends. If I find myself able to connect to the person, then it doesn't take very long for me to open up to the person. A weakness, I would say.

72. What does it take for you to fully trust someone?

The highest I would trust a person is only up to 97%, never a 100% (except my family members).

73. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason?

Generally untrusting, maybe because I've yet to find people who prove they are trustworthy enough to get a 100% trust from me.

74. When are you comfortable with someone sexually?

Not sure. When I'm married I suppose...

75. When it comes to parents and close friends, what’s the limit of what you can tell them?

Depends on the matter at hand. 

P – Positive

76. Have you ever had an experience with someone that didn’t necessarily end positively? If so, would you rather erase the memory of that person because of the sad times or keep the memory of that person because of the good times?

Erm, I don't know. I can't remember. I guess I'll just leave them to dust at a corner. 

77. Do you agree with the saying: better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all?

Neutral.

78. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? What do you try to be?  

Optimistic. I don't know...right now, I'm just trying to be a person I'm expected to be.

79. Do you agree that something good can come out of everything?

I don't know.

80. Have you ever had a time where something really bad happened, but something really good happened because of it? If so, please explain what it was:  

Can't remember.

Q – Questions

81. When faced with a problem, do you ask for help or try to figure it out yourself?

I try to figure it out myself first.

82. Do you often question the world and how we came about? What are some things you would like to know about creation?

Sometimes, when I am in my world of thoughts. I guess there's a lot of stuff I would like to know, but right now, I can't seem to name one.

83. Do you think the government is truthful? If you could ask the president one question, what would it be?

Nah. Err...I need time to think of the question leh...

84. When someone does something wrong to you, do you confront them and ask them why they did it or just let it go?

I'll think of the possible reasons for their doings. I might ask, or just let it go, depending on who the person is.

85. What is one unsolved mystery about the world that you want answers to?

Can't think of one right now.

R – Respect

86. How do you show respect?  

I always give others a smile, sometimes a slight bow, as a sign that I respect them. Action-wise, if I treat the person good, it means I have respect for that person.

87. What can someone do for you to lose all respect for them?  

Being rude, doing immoral stuff...there may be more but I can't seem to remember hmm...

88. Do you respect your teachers, parents, and other authority figures?

Yes.

89. When you are disrespectful to your parents, what is the punishment?  

My guilt is the one that punishes me.

90. If someone is mean to you, are you mean back or do you kill them with kindness?  

I tend to ignore the person most of the time. 

S – School

91. If you are still in school, what grade will you be going into?  

Gonna enter my second year in uni soon.

92. When will you graduate high school/college?  

Two years more.

3. After high school, what did you do/are you planning to do?

I rotted at home, helping out with household chores.

94. Do you like or hate school? What do you like/hate about it?

Neither like nor hate. School seems to be an interesting place, yet somehow it feels like an obligation to attend it.

95. Have you ever been suspended, expelled, or dropped out of school?

Never.

T – Temptation

96. Have you ever done something wrong, knowing it was wrong, because something inside of you said it was okay?

Yes. And I can say I regret it.

97. Has anyone ever pressured you to smoke or drink? Did you do it?

Nope.

98. Did you ever cheat on someone? Why did you do it?

Nope.

99. Did you ever want to do something sexual with someone you didn’t really know or love? What did you end up doing?  

I don't know. Most of the time, I only think and leave it as it is.

100. Do you give in to temptation easily, or are you more independent and strong willed?

I give in to temptation easily, only being independent and strong willed when situations demand them of me.

U – Unique

102. Do you do a lot of things because your friends are doing it?  

Sometimes yes. I'm one who's easily influenced by others.

103. Do you follow trends, wear whatever you want, or wear really unique pieces?

I don't follow trends. I just wear whatever I have.

104. Do you give in easily to peer pressure? Do you do things such as smoke, drink, or have casual sex?

Don't think so. And no.

105. What makes you different from people your age?

I don't know. 

V – Value

106. What’s the most expensive thing in your room?

Lappie.

107. What’s more valuable: your life or the lives of your loved ones? Would you sacrifice your life for other people?

Lives of loved ones. Yes, if it comes to that.

108. What is something you value not because it cost a lot, but because it means a lot to you?

I don't know. Maybe...other people's smiles and laughters when I humour them with my blurness and stuff? 

109. If there was a fire in your house/apartment, what is the first thing you would grab?

I think I go blank first. Bad answer, I know. 

110. Do you think past memories and experiences are more valuable than what could possibly happen in the future?

Yes. Because they have happened, whether you like it or not, and they are always there for you to cherish, learn and appreciate.

W – Wishes

111. If you had three wishes, what would they be?

To rid world of extreme evil, to let everyone find their much sought peace, good health and happiness, and...can I wish that I could have another three more wishes for personal purposes? <.<

112. Would you rather wish yourself to be happy, or your loved ones?

Myself though >.<

113. Do you believe that wishes come true if you really believe in them?

I don't know. 

114. Have you ever had a wish come true? If so, what was that wish?

Yes I suppose. I wished that I could pass my national exams with flying colours and I did. Is that counted?

115. Do you find wishing for things a waste of time because everything that’s meant to happen, will happen?

I don't know...but still, wishing for things seems interesting so I'll still do it.

Y – You

121. Are you more independent or social?

I would say both.

122. What is something that makes you very mad when you see it?

Litterbugs.

123. Do you think that you have potential to do great things?

Yes.

124. Do you think people are born a certain way, or develop their personalities based on what they go through in life?

The second choice.

125. Do you think people are generally good ?

Yes. However, external influences tend to turn them from good to bad.

Z – Zest

126. Are you currently happy with your life? Why or why not?

Not really. I'm just feeling...unmotivated.

127. Anything big coming up?

No.

128. When change occurs, do you get scared or are you excited for it?

Scared, as I begin to realise I don't really like changes.

129. Do you like to try new things, meet new people?

Yes, if I'm given the chance.

130. What is the most motivational thing in the world?

I don't know (the last "I-don't-know" lol). My thoughts and imaginations, I suppose.

Mood: Slightly disappointed. Sigh.

Cause: Have to forgo a dance event, which I have been looking forward to it after practising the dance moves for about two weeks. Sigh.

Root of problem:  Having a partial clavicle fracture at my left shoulder due to a bicycle accident on Tuesday afternoon, 5 July. Sigh.

Actions to better the mood: Not much. Just trying to stay cool and calm about my withdrawal from the event but...sigh.

Positivity: Moderate. Trying to retain my cheerfulness at all times. Sigh.

I'm actually excited to be able to participate in that event but now...all my hopes are being thrown aside. Right now, I can only watch as my partner dances with another, which reminds me of my condition. Sigh, disappointed.

Degree Life...

...ain't the same any more.

I feel pressured, worried that I can't cope with my studies. I know that I need to change my study style, meaning,  revising every day, that kind of thing. Consistent revision, to be precise. More than often, I fail to do that. Typical of me though. >.>

Oh well, I shall not talk further about such depressing stuff. Even I myself feel depressed writing this out so...I wouldn't want to make my readers feel the same, eh? (:

Moving on...oh yes, I made lots of new friends! Somehow, this semester seems to be a get-to-know-more-people period. People whom I've never thought of making friends with, seniors of the same course as I'm in...it was truly a great chance for me to be able to befriend them. It was all thanks to the recent UTAR Kampar's May 2011 Intake Orientation Programme organised by Registration, Campus Tour, Mass Call (RCM), a student body that was in charge of the event. I volunteered as a helper for the programme and because of that, I met a bunch of nice friends. We are like one big family, up till now...(: I felt glad that I became a helper for the orientation programme; the few sacrificed days of my break was really worthwhile after all! ^^

I'm starting to get into more activities this semester. Participated in a Gotong-royong Project and made new friends again, volunteered to become a helper for another event called Waltz, With Love 2011, delivered a speech on general safety at the Speaker's Corner in conjunction with a Safety Campaign in campus (well, I wouldn't have gone for this if not for the 10 soft skill points that I get to earn speaking for at least 15 minutes lol~)...there might be more to come. I actually love joining activities and getting myself active in these...perhaps I like helping out and socialising with people heh.

Gonna end the entry here, lest I ramble like an old grandmother. Wait...I guess I already sound like one. *coughs* >.>

P.S. Felt like showing the world my photo editing skills lol...here you go, two pics done by me through picture editing online. Not trying to brag here, but I like the results. (:

A signature-type (siggie) of image.

An image for avatar (avvie) or profile picture.

MUET Speaking Test

Ugh..I wonder if I did well for my test.

I was with three other members in the same group, one whom I have known earlier from another friend of mine. The other two were new acquaintances; we just greeted each other good-naturedly during our quarantine period, chatted for a while, something like a short ice-breaking session. I figured it would be best to get to know at least their names and where they're from so that during the test, we would be able to have a pleasant group discussion.


Err, it was not that bad I guess. Our topic was regarding violence against women and the effective roles of curbing the problem. I was given the point 'Women themselves could play an effective role in curbing this problem.' During the first part, the individual presentation, I was a little blur and blank and nervous and excited. O___________O Mixed feelings hmm. I presented my two subpoints: Taking self-defense arts, and Knowing women's rights. I elaborated on those two, talking about the need to take up Tae-kwon-do or Karate to defend themselves against snatch thefts so that they would be more alert of their surroundings and reduce the chances of violence happening on them, and that women should be aware of their own rights and fight for them in order to protect themselves. The subpoints sounded err...strong but weak, and weak but strong. I felt I was not ready for the first part, considering I was the first speaker, Candidate A, and we were the first group of the day. (Thank goodness my housemates trained me to be Candidate A in our practice session...Love them lots! :3)

Then the second part: Group discussion. The other three points were about authorities, society and mass media. I agreed on society with my points that parents which are part of the society play an important role in the upbringing of their children. Education begins at home, and prevention is better than cure. In order to curb this problem, parents should educate their children not to mistreat women but to respect each and every one. I stressed a lot on parents though. My friend, Desmond, the one I knew through Lai Kit, my another friend, supported my opinion on the issue, with his own points that included authorities. The other two candidates, Yuri and Yen Shan( I think that's how you spell her name...) defended the point on women being the ones that can play the most effective role in curbing violence against women. However, I felt they were too soft-spoken; Yen Shan was close to speaking nothing and contributing very weak points of her own. Yuri did better than her though; she did provide some good points to support her opinion. At the end of the test, the chief examiner told me that I was dominating the group and that I should allow the others to speak. The problem was: I did prompt Yuri and Yen Shan to give more of their opinions and ideas in the discussion, but it seemed Yen Shan had not much to say, whereas for Yuri, I can see that she tried but couldn't come up with other reasonings to further support the women idea. Desmond, nah, he was doing great here, and I couldn't help but to silently applaud him for his calm and cool performance, unlike me, the dominant-ramble-on-crap-here-and-there-assertive speaker as though I'm expecting people to attack me or something.

Overall, it was quite pleasant, save the comment by the chief examiner about me being too dominant during the group discussion. Ugh...I didn't know whether it was a good thing or a bad one. I talked, but I talked too much I guess... = =

Hopefully, I can get high marks for this. *crosses fingers and prays silently in her heart*