Demanding.
Inconsiderate.
Selfish.
Whiny.
Doubtful.
Lifeless.
Sometimes, I just feel like that when I look at how I behave, how I talk, how I see things...I can see all those qualities in me. Problem is, the "sometimes" is just too much, that it gets repetitive. And then I'll go "Oh my, I'm repeating this same old thing again..." and then I'll stop, and before long the whole procedure is gonna be repeated...again. I wonder if somebody set them on repeat mode. Then again, I think that somebody must have been me all along.
I've tried to control myself: whenever I feel like that, I pretend that I'm fine and keep whatever feelings I have in me to myself. Result? I feel worse, as though my heart is filled with mercury, slowly poisoned by self-pity and emo-ness and there's a heavy feeling that makes you very uncomfortable. Right. Another approach that I've taken, or rather, still taking, is that I pour out my emotions to someone close, everything. Result? Oh yes, I feel much better, but then what comes next is the feeling of guilt, that I've troubled that someone with all my whiny nonsense and problems that appear to be big but are actually small petty matters easily handled with a clear, calm mind. It's like a love-hate thing; you don't want to trouble others yet you want them to listen to you, comfort you and set your world right again with just simple words of advice and encouragement.
Sigh, I don't know. I thought I've lost these unpleasant moments of emo-ness for good a long time ago, but somehow, they came back. Wonder why...maybe it's just me, since I like to think a lot and just make things worse with all that unnecessary thinking. Hmm.
Oh well, I shall /endrant with this song, My Immortal by Evanescence. Not that the lyrics describe my situation or how I feel now, but the melody does that.
